Hello Little One,
I’m keeping this all pretty private for the next little while, but you’re coming! I can’t express how happy, overwhelmed, grateful, and blessed I feel right now. We’ve been waiting for you for so long, and we’ve missed you so much.
I’ve spent the past 4 years doing all kinds of crazy things to my body to try and get you here, but, you needed to wait until you were ready. I know you’re just a clump of cells right now, but I love you so much. Let me tell you a little about the drama that followed your first mark on the world.
After 4 years on and off Clomid, herbal tinctures, acupuncture and prayer, we finally committed to seeing a reproductive endocrinologist (Momma’s insides are a little bit on the effed-up side, you see.) After our second visit with him, where we had a sonogram that showed all of my insides, he could see that I had follicles growing, which meant, for the first time in a LONG time, I was ovulating, and that we had a chance of getting pregnant. He had me take a shot of HCG the next day (thanks to Auntie Shayla for coming and stabbing me…didn’t quite trust your dad w/ a big, long needle) and then take progesterone 3 times a day to make sure my hormone levels were high enough to make it hospitable for your 9 month stay. Then we waited. And I started to feel weird.
For awhile, I was convinced (and was probably right) that it was the HCG that made me feel so pregnant. Peeing, all the time. Sore boobies (though I’m sure they’re just going to get sorer), and man, if I can’t poop. Why you gotta steal all my poop, baby? Nothing sounds good to eat, but the things that do sound good I could eat by the trough-full. I started wearing maternity pants, even though I wasn’t “pregnant” yet, because I felt so bloated and thick (I’m always a bit of a thick girl, but sweet jeebus…) Plus, I was just certain that you were coming. Your cousin Maija just came, and your friend Sophia, and I knew that you would want to be with them. I just knew you were on your way.
We didn’t do much for Christmas this year, your dad got a new computer, but I didn’t want anything but you. So, Saturday, the day after Christmas, I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, or so I thought. Then on Sunday, I took another one, also, another negative. It made me so sad, I spent the morning sobbing, and I had to go visit Auntie Rachel and Camma and baby Maija to feel better. I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t take another test until at least Tuesday (it was still a little early, you see) but, I couldn’t wait. I took another one this morning. These cheap, little, dollar-store pregnancy tests were going to be the end of me. The package says, “Once the test line has appeared, the test is complete” so, after about 10 seconds, I thought they were done, and negative. For some reason, though, I looked in the garbage at the 2 tests I had taken, and they both had positive lines. Thinking that maybe there was a chance, I waited on this third one, and slowly, but surely, there was a very faint line indicating you were there. I didn’t trust myself, so I woke up your dad. The best we could muster together was, “maybe?” So, I called your Auntie Ashley to come up and see for herself. While I waited I drank a lot of water so I could take another test. I got in the shower, and by the time I was done, was ready to pee again. So, I took the fourth test. This one was a Target one, and had a different kind of marking, but it looked so definite. Those 2 lines were certain and blue. But, your mom is kind of an idiot, and had thrown the box w/ the directions on it out, long ago. By the time Ashley came up, we were pretty sure it was positive, but decided to check the all-knowing Google to be sure. Baby, you are coming.
I have to go see my doctor again, soon, to make sure everything is going okay, but I know you want to come now, and I’m so excited to meet you! I will keep writing to you, so you know everything about your journey here.
I love you,