One of my best friends has also struggled with infertility. She’s the one that first taught me about the wonder (and personal hell) that is fertilityfriend. We’ve cried over periods that won’t come, temperatures that drop too quickly, friends getting pregnant w/ their 3rd and 4th children when we haven’t even had one. (Yes, as happy as we may sound on the phone, you are breaking our hearts with all your babies. But, I’m a Socialist at heart, and think everyone that wants one should get one before they start getting handed out in multiples. Hence my great disdain for those damn Duggars. Why they gotta steal all my babies?)
Anyway, it’s pretty rare that when anyone I know gets pregnant (and it happens A LOT in my world, lousy fertile Mormons…) I don’t have a twinge of envy. I am capable of having joy for these people, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it hurt, sometimes more than others. When I found out that this particular friend was having a baby, though, I was purely joyful. In fact, I think I can safely say that it was the first time in my life that I have been that happy for another person, sans envy.
Her being pregnant has actually been a big relief for me. Gives me hope that it’s possible. The same goes for my sister, who got pregnant a few months into her marriage, but who has struggled with reproductive problems far worse than my own. I couldn’t be upset because her situation gave me hope.
I’m trying to be less of a cynical bitch in life, especially in relation to those who can seemingly pop babies out at will, but it’s really hard. It’s not like coveting a home or a car or a wardrobe (which I do a-plenty), and it’s not even like wanting someone else’s body (oh, I wish I had her abs/arms/skin/etc.). Those types of desires seem so shallow and meaningless when you know what it’s like to want something so badly that it hurts. I don’t know how it’s possible to miss things that you have never had, but it feels like missing a part of you, all of the time. But, successes of people who have been trying really do give me hope, and help me have a better attitude toward the rest of the procreators.