Giving Up

I’m a woman of extremes. I’m well aware of it. I’ve struggled through all meat diets and vegan fare. I’ve grown my hair down to my butt, I’ve chopped it near my scalp. I’ve been a 4.0 student, and I’ve failed out of semesters. Point is, I don’t know how to live in that happy, middle ground, and that seems to be the place I am with this struggle to conceive.
I haven’t given up, at least not in relation to trying to get pregnant, not entirely, at least. But I feel like I’ve given up. I spent the months of October, November, December and most of January devoted to eating nothing but organic foods, being obsessive about taking herbs and tinctures, exercising regularly, meditating–basically any hippy-dippy type of thing I could think of doing to help me get pregnant. Well, when I didn’t ovulate last month until day 56 (DAY FIFTY EFFING SIX!) I got discouraged, in a big way. So, when I went on Clomid, I think I felt my inherent desire to give up on doing good things start settling into place. Now, she’s blaring at full volume. Not only have I given up on the tinctures and herbs (for fear they would interact in a bad way with the Clomid) but I find myself unable to even take my vitamins, or exercise, or to say no to foods that I know make me sick. It’s hard to be in this place.
It’s hard for me to work toward things–I’ve mentioned this before–so when I actually devote myself to working through/toward something, I expect results, dammit! I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to expect that working really hard should have some results, because without them, I have absolutely no motivation to move forward. At least for the first 3 months of my eating healthy I was ovulating and having my period on my own, and usually in about 30 day cycles. When things went off kilter again, I didn’t know how to deal with it. I see it as evidence that what I was doing wasn’t working, and that I shouldn’t burden myself. Fortunately, I gave my girlfriend Kristina a call with these concerns today, and she yelled at me. Not really yelled, but told me firmly enough that it helped me in the process of pulling my head out of my ass. It’s such a weird place to be, this. So often, I just want sympathy, shoulders to cry on, friends to call, etc. But sometimes, I need someone to pull me out of my pity party and tell me to get back to work, (fair warning, if you try and do this, and I freak out on you, I blame hormones/ego). So, I guess I haven’t given up, entirely, and hopefully after a little sunshine in Palm Springs (woohoo!) this weekend, I’ll be back on track. If not, kick me in the butt.



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3 responses to “Giving Up

  1. …and then a baby barfs on you and you call it a date in my robe.
    It IS hard to be in the middle but from where I am standing the middle is always something to learn and you are wearing it well.

  2. i also really struggle finding the happy medium. keep trucking along, and know that you are loved, for you.


  3. Meg

    I am a woman of extremes, too, so I can relate. But perhaps without these extremes that we go through, we wouldn’t even know where or what the middle path is. I guess I am not really saying anything new or helpful… Just know that I can relate, that I am here for you, and that I love you! Things will get better.

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